


Three Finnish Trainers Walk Into a Bar

by theangelofdarkness



Series: Three Finnish Trainers [1]
Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Drinking, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-16
Updated: 2015-05-16
Packaged: 2018-03-30 19:52:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3949579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theangelofdarkness/pseuds/theangelofdarkness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Three Finnish personal trainers walk into a bar in Switzerland. They get drunk. Hilarity ensues as stories come out about their time on the circuit. A gift for the lovely turva_auto! I hope you like it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Three Finnish Trainers Walk Into a Bar

**Author's Note:**

  * For [turva_auto](https://archiveofourown.org/users/turva_auto/gifts).



                It had sort of become a tradition. The three would meet up over winter break in a bar in Switzerland. It was the town they used to live in, or in Antti’s case still lived in. Right now Tommi was the first to arrive to the bar. It was a small local establishment that was reasonably priced. Tommi shut the door behind him. Keeping out the harsh Swiss winter that was in full force right now. It wasn’t as bad as Finland but it was still chilly out there. He unzipped his coat and peeled off his gloves and hat before walking up to the bar. He ordered a large bottle of vodka and three glasses to go with it before he took a booth over in the corner. Waiting for his fellow compatriots to turn up. He was barely there five minutes before the door to the small bar opened and filled the room with an icy blast. Heikki walked in, shivering a little before he shut the door. Tommi could see him scanning the room before he spotted him in the booth in the corner.

“Moi Tommi!” Heikki came over to the booth. Tommi stood up and the two hugged it out.

“Moi Heikki. It’s good to see you.” Tommi moved out of the way so Heikki could throw himself down in the booth. Heikki took off his jacket and Tommi hung in up on the coat rail next to his. He then plonked himself down on the seat next to Heikki before pouring himself and Heikki a shot of vodka.

“We can have one before Antti gets here.” Tommi grinned. Heikki took the glass happily.

“To cheeky drinks with friends.” The two clinked glasses before downing the shot. Enjoying the tell-tale way it burned down their throats. The two men had another two shots before Antti entered the bar ten minutes late.

“Moi Antti you’re late. And three shots behind already.” Heikki informed him.

* * *

 

                Once Antti was settled and caught up on shots the conversation begun again.

“So how was your year then Antti?” Tommi asked.

“Same old same old. Mad from start to finish with the racing and training.” He admitted. Antti loved the fact that he could talk to Tommi and Heikki about this. They understood all about the job having done it themselves in the past. His friends didn’t always get it. They seemed to have it in their head that he was on a vacation around the globe for nine months of the year. But it was so much more complex than that. He had training schedules to keep to. He had diets to enforce. He had to make sure Seb was in the best possible fitness for a race weekend. It was a demanding job with a short shelf life. But Antti wouldn’t trade it for anything else.

“Yeah. Plus you’ve had to get used to dressing like Santa all year round.” Tommi grinned. Antti groaned. He wondered how long it would be before the teasing would begin.

“Maybe you should grow the beard. To complete the look of course.” Heikki laughed.

“On the bright side at least you suit red.” Tommi added. Knowing he would look washed out and pale if he wore the colour.

“But you still look like some sort of Santa reject.” Heikki commented before he and Tommi burst into laughter.  Antti responded by slamming his glass down onto the table.

“Fill it up Hockeybutt. I’m not nearly tipsy enough for your teasing yet.”

* * *

 

                After a few more shots and some more teasing, conversation turned once again to the F1 world.

“You should have seen how drunk Seb got in Malaysia this year. It was terrifying.” Antti reminisced. After his first win with Ferrari Seb went a little too hard on the celebratory drinks. It didn’t help that Ferrari had just stocked up on a load of German beer for the race. While Kimi was offering out some wickedly strong Finnish vodka. Some celebratory champagne, a few beers and two lethal vodka shots later Seb was definitely too drunk to care what he was doing. “He’s impossible to look after. He was everywhere! It was like looking after a badly behaved child. Only this one is a 27 year old man who can cause significantly more damage. I honestly didn’t know how bad a drunken Seb was. I thought you were lying to me. You know scare the newbie.” Antti’s face took on some kind of horrific flashback to the night in question. Tommi laughed at his face.

“No way were we lying Antti. Seb’s a terrible drunk.” Tommi agreed before downing another shot of vodka.

“I don’t know. He was pretty well behaved with me.” Heikki shrugged. Even when he won his two world championships he never got too drunk.

“Really?” Tommi questioned. “Because I still remember a call about two years ago from you in Austin.” Tommi pointed out to Heikki. Heikki froze. The glass of vodka halfway to his lips. He snapped out of his paralysis in a few seconds and down the shot before he spoke.

“I tried to forget Austin. I tried so hard to forget Austin.” Heikki had a glazed look in his eye as he was forced to remember that night in all its glory.

“What happened in Austin?” Antti asked. Tommi looked to Heikki who was still reliving the night in his head. So he decided to fill Antti in as best he could. “I got a voicemail from Heikki  the Hockeybutt here.” He pointed to Heikki who still appeared to be in a state of shock. “While he was in Austin in 2013.”

“What did he say?”

“It was something along the lines of ‘Tommi! Tommi dear lord he got his hands on a bottle of Jägermeister! Seb got his hands on Jägermeister! This is not a drill Tommi! Send help! Seb put that cat down! No Seb he doesn’t want to come with us! LISTEN TO ME YOU DRUNK TODDLER AND PUT THE CAT DOWN! Tommi this is worse than I imagined! Send the Finnish army to contain him! SEB NO PUT THE DAMN CAT DOWN NOW! Assemble the Avengers to stop this drunk man-child! SEB PUT THE FLUFFY BEAST DOWN! Tommi if I don’t make it through tonight tell my mum I love her.’ That last part was said in a whimper if I remember rightly.” Tommi explained; he’d saved that answerphone message on his phone and he listened to it whenever he needed a laugh. Antti laughed at the story while Heikki just looked terrified.

“The cat didn’t want to be our friend. I was covered in claw marks for a week from that satanic bull of fur.” Heikki mumbled. Tommi took pity on the poor man and poured him another shot of vodka. Heikki downed the clear liquid. Thankful for the distraction from his memories.

“Hey I did warn you. Never let Sebby near Jägermeister unless you want to deal with the consequences. I learnt from experience.” Tommi pointed out. “Though mine wasn’t so traumatic.”

* * *

 

                The three men enjoyed another two shots in silence before Tommi started the conversation again. “Britta can be just as bad as Seb sometimes when she gets drunk. You should have seen her in Abu Dhabi in 2010. I still have no idea how she got so drunk! It’s a country that doesn’t allow anything stronger than blackcurrant squash on the podium. And she was able to get absolutely trashed!” Tommi shook his head. Where she got the alcohol from he had no idea. The resourcefulness of the blonde German still scared him to this day. “I still don’t know what she had.”

“Probably tequila.” Antti stated confidently before he downed another shot of vodka. The alcohol was definitely kicking in now and he could feel the tipsiness settling in on him.

“Tequila?” Heikki questioned.

“Tequila. I went out with the team in Mexico this year. And some bright spark came up with the idea of tequila shots. Britta cannot hold her tequila.” Antti laughed. The team had celebrated a surprise double podium with a night out on the town. Esteban had begged everyone to do a tequila shot with him. Antti wasn’t a fan of the stuff but took a shot out of politeness. Britta had refused the shot at first. Saying her and tequila didn’t mix. However Esteban didn’t take no for an answer. The first shot was enough for her to be halfway to drunk.

“How bad?” Tommi questioned.

“I believe the phrase is one tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. I had to half drag her back to the hotel. I lost track of the amount of cars, people and trees we nearly crashed into on the way home.” Antti admitted to laughter from the other Finns.

“You know her secret weakness. You’ll be first to go under the reign of the Queen of Press when she takes over the world.” Heikki laughed. Tommi looked at him strangely.

“You really think Britta will take over the world?” Tommi wondered if this was Heikki being strange or the vodka talking.

“As you pointed out she got drunk in a country that only allows flavoured water on the podium. You doubt she has the ability to take over the world.” Heikki pointed out as he poured the last drops of the vodka bottle into his glass.

“True.” Tommi agreed.

“Wait here. I’ll grab the next bottle.” Antti scooted out of the booth towards the bar.

* * *

 

                The boys refilled their glasses from the fresh bottle and downed the shot. Toasting to their good health as they did. They refilled their glasses before the conversation started again.

“So Hockeybutt. What’s your most embarrassing moment from your time with Seb?” Antti asked.

“What?” Heikki nearly chocked on the vodka. Coughing and spluttering once he swallowed it.

“Lightweight.” Tommi laughed as he patted Heikki on the back.

“You’re most embarrassing moment. Like mine was when he pranked me in front of all the mechanics at Ferrari with a load of fake spiders.” Antti explained. Heikki laughed a bit. He and Seb had been the one to buy the fake spiders. Initially they were used to scare Britta. But it was nice to see he kept them for other unsuspecting victims. “So come on Hockeybutt. What is it?”

“Tommi first.” Heikki argued, knowing his moment could trounce almost anything.

“Fine. Mine isn’t too bad actually. I just got a kiss on the lips from Seb while he was drunk in Japan 2011. It was embarrassing because I was first and again it was in front of the mechanics. But pretty soon after that Rocky got the same treatment.” Tommi admitted as he poured another shot. The alcohol definitely kicking in now as he could feel himself getting more and more drunk.

“Not too shabby. Not too shabby. Now you Heikki. Come on. What did Seb do? He totally touched your hockeybutt didn’t he?” Antti cackled. He was definitely drunk, Heikki thought. Antti quietened down before mumbling. “I want to touch the hockeybutt. Everyone wants to touch the hockeybutt.” Heikki decided to pretend he didn’t hear Antti’s comment. He waited till Antti had a mouthful of vodka before he spoke up.

“I walked in on Seb jacking himself off.” Heikki admitted. Tommi gasped while Antti spat out his vodka everywhere.

“WHAT!” He roared. Coughing from the little vodka that did go down his throat.

“That was a waste of good vodka there Antti. But you heard me right. I had a key to Seb’s room. Normally I knock and wait for a reply. But this time I was distracted by someone I was talking to. It didn’t cross my mind to knock. I just opened the door. And there was Seb on his bed…Dealing with himself.” Heikki explained. His cheeks taking on a bright red tinge to them. “He shrieked when he saw me there. I ran out of the room and didn’t go back for twenty minutes. It was pretty awkward when we saw each other next time.” Antti was crying in silent laughter and even Tommi was having a laugh at Heikki’s expense.

“You win embarrassing moment Heikki.”

* * *

 

                The next bottle went down as well as the first. By now the boys were suitably smashed. Though that didn’t stop Heikki getting another bottle for them to split.

“To memories!” He proposed.

“To memories.” Antti and Tommi agreed before downing the shot.

“So.” Tommi spoke as he slammed the glass down on the table. A little forcefully it had to be said. Not that he realised. He was pretty drunk now. “Antti.” He attracted the young man’s attention. “Seb, Kimi, Jev. Marry, get drunk with, fuck.” Heikki laughed at the suggestion. Antti appeared to ponder it before he answered.

“Get drunk with Kimi. At least he can handle his vodka.” Antti mused. “Fuck Jev.”

“Really.” Heikki butted in.

“Have you heard his accent? He could convince you to do anything if he said it in a dirty enough voice.” Antti defended himself.

“I didn’t mean that. Though thanks for the visual I really didn’t need.” Heikki shook his head as if he was trying to get the offending image out of his head. “I meant you would marry Seb.”

“What. I can go to all the races that way!” Antti grinned.

“Fair point.” Heikki couldn’t argue.

“Go on then Heikki. Seb, Mark Webber, Britta. Marry, get drunk with, fuck.” Tommi asked.

“Why would you do this to me?” Heikki groaned as he sat there working out the options. “Get drunk with Mark. I think he’d be a laugh.” Heikki admitted.

“Oh this just got interesting.” Antti leaned forward to hear Heikki’s next answer. An evil grin plastered on his face.

“Do I have to say.” He asked

“Yes.” Tommi grinned. Enjoying watching Heikki squirm under the questioning. Heikki sighed before carrying on.

“Fuck Britta.” He mumbled.

“OH!” Antti leaned back in his seat laughing. The two men gave Heikki a round of applause as he hid his face. “I’d marry Seb though. Much for the same reasons you said Antti.” Tommi was too busy crying tears of silent laughter to hear Heikki’s response. “Right then Tommi it’s your turn. Britta, Sebby, Christian Horner. Marry, get drunk with, fuck.”

“Oh! Shits going down!” Antti laughed as Tommi’s eyes widened in response to the names.

“You evil man.” Tommi argued.

“I know.” Heikki gave him a smug grin. Tommi downed another shot of vodka as he deliberated on his choices.

“Get drunk with Christian. There’s no way I could fuck or marry the guy.” Tommi admitted.

“So who are you fucking and who are you marrying.” Heikki asked. Antti moved in closer to listen to his response. Tommi paused for a moment.

“Fuck Britta.” He admitted. Both men leaned back in their seats cackling. “But I’d marry Sebby.” He admitted. Perhaps this wasn’t the best game to play while they were half drunk.

* * *

 

                The bar was getting quieter and quieter as the boys came to the end of the third bottle of vodka. By now all three men were nowhere near anyone’s idea of sober. Though they still thought they were pretty sober.

“Come on. The bar’s going to shut soon.” Tommi pointed out to the bar tender who just called last calls.

“Aw what are we going to do now?” Heikki asked.

“I still have some drink in my apartment. We can go back there.” Antti explained. It was his apartment now. It had belonged to Tommi and Heikki as well during their time as Seb’s physio.  Heikki stood up to retrieve the group’s coats and gloves. “HORAY FOR THE HOCKEYBUTT!” Antti cheered as he gave Heikki a smack on his ass.

“You’ll pay for that Antti when we’re crossing the park later back to yours.” Heikki admitted as the three got ready to go back to Antti’s apartment.

* * *

 

                Heikki became aware of a light coming in through the curtains that was far too bright for this time of the morning. He groaned and clutched at his head, the headache very firmly in place after yesterday’s drinking. His stomach felt like a sewer was running through it, there was no way he could eat anything right now without chucking it back up. “Morning sleepy head.” A voice rang out, far too loud for this time of the morning. Heikki groaned. Tommi and Antti needed to shut up.

“Be quiet you Finnish losers.” He groaned. There was a slight chuckle that felt like nails on a chalk board to Heikki’s brain.

“We’re not Finnish.” The voice said. Though this one was a lot more feminine in tone. Heikki moaned and sat up, clutching his head as he did so. He opened his eyes to see Britta and Seb standing there, trying their best not to laugh. Beside him was Tommi. Passed out and sprawled on the sofa with one arm hanging off. Antti was half on half off the sofa. His left leg and arm hung down over the side while his head was still firmly on the cushion.

“Seb, Britta. How lovely to see you.” Heikki winced as the two German’s grinned. He gave Tommi a shove awake as well as Antti. Both of them woke up in similar ways with a moan and a stretch.

“Nice night out last night boys?” Seb asked.

“How did you know we went out?” Antti asked.

“Oh just a couple of voicemail messages on my phone. Highlights included. Heikki saying he was never forgiving me for the fur ball of Satan from Austin two years ago.” Heikki groaned when he heard that. “Tommi telling me that you three wanted to marry me.” Tommi swore in Finnish under his breath. “And one picture message from you Antti of you slapping Heikki’s hockeybutt.”

“You only got one message. I got a dozen photo’s from Antti of Heikki’s hockeybutt. As well as a voicemail where you cried for two minutes and begged that when I finally rule the world as the Queen of Press can you not be the first to go. You’ll even stay silent about my tequila weakness.” Britta tried to keep a straight face but she did crack and smile a bit.

“Sucks to be you man.” Heikki commented towards Antti.

“Heikki you admitted in a voicemail message you’d rather fuck me than Mark Webber.” Britta told him. Heikki groaned once again.

“Really.” Seb turned to face Britta smiling at her.

“Yes. And apparently it’s a common trend because Tommi admitted in another voicemail to me he would choose to fuck me instead of Christian Horner.” Britta was chuckling now with Seb as the three Finnish men hung their heads in shame.

“It’s nice to know isn’t it?” Seb laughed before the two span to face the others. “I was here for my training session this morning Antti. But I can always leave it till you’ve all sobered up.”

“Smart move.” Antti whispered. The two Germans chuckled.

“Fine. I’ll see you boys later.” Seb turned to leave the apartment.

“Sweet dreams.” Britta added as she shut the door and the three men collapsed into a heap on the sofa.

“I’m never drinking again.” Tommi admitted.

“We said the same thing last year.” Antti pointed out.

“And no doubt we’ll say the same thing again this time next year.” Heikki agreed.


End file.
